Truth Tuesday

I was very productive tonight, so I am going to do another Truth Tuesday.
I know last time I did a Truth Tuesday it had a somber tone, and I think I just need to talk more about how I feel.
To help me deal with my feelings.
I have never believed in the stages of loss or whatever.
Maybe because anybody I ever lost that was close to me, it was because they died of old age.
I have never really had a close death of someone close to me.
I have sat and cried about Jason's death so much lately.  I cry when I am alone, I cry on my drives to and from observing, I cry when I can't sleep, I cry when I have Gary to lean on.
I kept telling myself it wasn't true, which I guess is that stage of denial.
I think I skipped anger and went to bargaining.
I went to depression.
And then just recently I came back to anger.
And I don't think anger even covers it.
I am ticked at everyone.  I am ticked at the doctors because they couldn't fix him. I am ticked at the nurses for not doing what they were supposed to do.  I am ticked at myself for not going home to visit more. 
And I'm mad at God.
I feel horrible saying that, but I am.
I feel like I am a bad Christian for saying that.
Even as I type it, I want to erase it.
But then I would be lying wouldn't I?
I try to tell myself that God needed a best friend in heaven and right now Jason is driving around heaven in a plum crazy purple Dodge...
But what about all of us?
The ones who cared about Jason?
All the plans we had?
All the things he had left to do?
I just can't help but be mad at everyone.
I just can't wrap my mind around why this had to happen.
I hope I can someday, but I just feel like all of this is so unfair to so many people.

Day Two

Day 2 – A photo of something you ate today.

My newest obsession, Nutella. Tastes good on vanilla wafers. :)

Day 1

I decided to jump back in to blogging.  I decided by doing this, I was going to do the 30/60 day blog challenge.  I found a thirty day challenge and a sixty day, so I am going to combine them on some and just pick one for others.
Day 1 – A photo of yourself, 15 interesting facts, and a description of how your day was.

15 Facts:
1.  I stress wayyyy too much.  I stress about money, I stress about grades, I stress about observing, I stress about pleasing everyone, I stress about the people I love thinking I am a failure, etc.  I could go on and on and on, but I will spare you.

2.  I have wanted to teach since I was in like kindergarten.  No lie.  I really REALLY hope I get to use my middle school social studies part of my degree, as opposed to the elementary education side of the degree. I love working with middle school kids.

3.  I have the best parents in the world.  I know, I know, everyone says that, but no my parents really are.  I know my parents haven't always given me everything like some kids, but that is one reason why the are such good parents.  I have had to work for things.  I take care of my belongings (as the best to my ability).  They have went above and beyond for me and honestly I don't think I thank them enough.  They are the people I try most to make proud of me and when I fail at something I am always afraid they will think I am a failure.

4.  I want to live in one of the New England states.  I have since I was 14, but I am thinking it will be hard to find a teaching job there.  If I end up having to stay in West Virginia I want to stay in the Wheeling area.  I find the area fascinating and there are a couple schools I would LOVE LOVE LOVE to work at if I decided to stay in this area.
5.  I have the best fiance in the world.  He is always there for me when I am depressed (which has been a lot lately) and he always tells me how amazing I am.  He can almost always cheer me up.

6.  Honestly the people that can cheer me up the quickest are all male: my dad, my fiance, and my brother.

7.  I always hated my name growing up, but now I love it.  There aren't a million Eva's and it is a name I can grow in to.  When I have children, I want to give them the same type of name.  Things that can be cutesy, but won't look stupid when they are 87 on a motorize scooter.

8.  Working at some of the after school programs this semester have make me thankful for the things I have.  I may not have the newest clothes or be super rich, but I have never gone hungry and I always had supportive parents.  It really just breaks your heart sometimes.

9.  I have more pet peeves than the average person.

10.  If I could go out and start teaching today I would in a heartbeat.

11.  I love learning about odd things.  I love watching "Decoded" on the history Channel.

12. I love love love Lenny Kravitz.  

13. Lady Gaga is my guilty pleasure.  I honestly think in some ways she is a good role model.  She is all about not bullying and equality and I admire her so much for that.

14.  I am the post-it queen.

15.  I love cooking and baking.

My day:

Panicky, because I am the queen of stress, but fun because my mom bought the new electronic Monopoly and we played it (I won).  Mom also made her awesome homemade tomato soup!

Blogging News

I think I am going to keep my blogging going.  I have been getting down because I don't have any followers yet.  I got to thinking about it, and that is not the reason I started this blog.  I started this blog to say what I think, to have a record of things I have made or want to make or my achievements.  And dagnabbit I am keeping my blog.

In the next few weeks I hope to begin work on a bloom belt.  It is something I have wanted to make for awhile.
Here are some great examples:

Here's hoping my professors let up on the homework and let me have a little fun!

Truth Tuesday (a day early)

I haven't blogged in awhile.

I suck I know.
I have been really busy and questioning whether I even want to keep on blogging.

I haven't had a lot of success at it.

But I have a lot on my heart right now, so whether I decide to keep blogging or not I am going to do a Truth Tuesday because honestly I just need some closure.

Truth is death freaking sucks.

I lost a friend last week.

He was my best friend's husband, but Jason was my friend.

He was the kind of person that could always brighten your day because he was always smiling.

He was brave.

He ate chocolate covered bacon at the Alpha.

He helped teach me to drive.

He dressed up as a woman and competed in Mr.Relay for Relay for Life.

I wish I could put into words all the good things Jason was, but honestly I don't think there are enough positive adjectives in the dictionary to define the kind of person Jason was.  

I wish I had gotten to know you sooner.  I wish your wife and I had become friends sooner so we could have been friends longer, but that is not the way God wanted it.

At first I was angry at everyone for what happened to you.

It was the doctor's fault.

It was the nurse's fault. 

It was God's fault.

But deep down, I know this is the way it was supposed to be.  If it was something the doctor or nurse did it was because God wanted it to happen.  I don't mean that in a mean vindictive way.  God needed you in heaven; He had some bigger job for you up there.

It makes me so sad to know that all the plans we all had won't get to happen.

You were supposed to be so proud of me for getting my license.

We were supposed to go to the Alpha again soon.

I was supposed to continue stealing bites of your dessert until I was too old to chase you down.

Or until you gave up and realized I was always going to steal your dessert, so you should just move the plate closer.

Which you always did.

Amanda and your kids were suppossed to be like older siblings to Gary and I's kids.

You guys were supposed to come visit us in the summer.

You and my mom were supposed to get the Ol' 96er.

We were supposed to have many more cook outs.

We were supposed to break more lawn chairs and all laugh hysterically at each other.

We were all supposed to race scooters in the nursing home and get kicked out.

There are so many things we were all supposed to do.

And now you can't do them with us.

I have cried about this every day it seems like.  I keep thinking about all the good times we had and when I get really sad I think of one particular memory.

We were working on backing up on your road.

I got upset and said "We are just going back to your house".

You said, "Yes, and then we are going to back up again".

You would want to me to keep trying.  You would want us all to keep trying.

"To the well-organized mind, death is but the next great adventure"- Albus Dumbledore