Truth Tuesday

I was very productive tonight, so I am going to do another Truth Tuesday.
I know last time I did a Truth Tuesday it had a somber tone, and I think I just need to talk more about how I feel.
To help me deal with my feelings.
I have never believed in the stages of loss or whatever.
Maybe because anybody I ever lost that was close to me, it was because they died of old age.
I have never really had a close death of someone close to me.
I have sat and cried about Jason's death so much lately.  I cry when I am alone, I cry on my drives to and from observing, I cry when I can't sleep, I cry when I have Gary to lean on.
I kept telling myself it wasn't true, which I guess is that stage of denial.
I think I skipped anger and went to bargaining.
I went to depression.
And then just recently I came back to anger.
And I don't think anger even covers it.
I am ticked at everyone.  I am ticked at the doctors because they couldn't fix him. I am ticked at the nurses for not doing what they were supposed to do.  I am ticked at myself for not going home to visit more. 
And I'm mad at God.
I feel horrible saying that, but I am.
I feel like I am a bad Christian for saying that.
Even as I type it, I want to erase it.
But then I would be lying wouldn't I?
I try to tell myself that God needed a best friend in heaven and right now Jason is driving around heaven in a plum crazy purple Dodge...
But what about all of us?
The ones who cared about Jason?
All the plans we had?
All the things he had left to do?
I just can't help but be mad at everyone.
I just can't wrap my mind around why this had to happen.
I hope I can someday, but I just feel like all of this is so unfair to so many people.